I'm such a Suzie Homemaker

I need to have some babies so that they can grow up and go to kindergarten and have Halloween parties so I that can make apple-pie mummies for them.

Also punkins and ghosts.

Alas. I will have to eat these by my lonesome.

A little lexical switcheroo

It has come to my attention that the phrases 'douche-bag' and 'ass hat,' while inherently amusing, have become so overused that they have ceased to mean anything at all.

I move that, in order to preserve some very fine phraseology while introducing a bit of novelty, that we switch to 'douche-hat' and 'assbag.' 'Douche-hat' is a little awkward when spoken aloud, but 'assbag' makes up for it both in roll-off-the-tonguery and in visual image hilarity.

Anyone second the motion?

Because somethings are too funny not to share

H'ok, so for each of my classes we have an online discussion board. For two classes, the online discussion makes up part of our participation. The one that doesn't give us marks is, sadly, the most active of all the boards (although most of the post are some poorly-spelled variant of 'I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THE ASSIGNMENT PLS HELP!! [more sadly, a large majority of those posts are mine]). Alas.

H'anyvays, for my one linguistics class, we're all talking about the midterm and about linguisticky things, and then this one girl posts:

hi.i came across some religious languages...the archaic ones..thats used when writing holy books such as bible and ramayan...

andi was also watching this television series FRIENDS (the best comedy series ever :-D).........one of the characters in friends studies dianosaurs..

this brought a question into my head - why arent dinosaurs mentioned in the holy books?....they do mention evolution and othet animals...why not dinosaurs?...

To which: many things. How exactly did you 'come across' these archaic languages? Did you spontaneously learn them? Find them in the gutter? Inquiring minds...

Also, 'this television series' you speak of sounds dull. Who wants to watch a man study dianosaurs?

Also, in which holy book is evolution mentioned? The Origin of Man, in its original Sanskrit?

And then some guy is all, Man wrote the holy books and probably had not yet discovered dinosaurs by the time he did so, and then there's a bunch of other jibber-jabber and our prof comes on and seizes on some linguistic matter mentioned in passing and tries to steer the conversation thataway.

So then this same girl opens up a new discussion topic and is all:

hey....what do you guys think about UFO"S and aliens?....

are they realy out there?.....has anyone experience anything relating to aliens ;-p.........?....i hope not...

but britain just released some secret files about alien sighting experience by different people including a pilot who reported he almost crashed into something ......too big to be flying and was too fast.......

what do we ordinary people think? ( and the spelling of people is funny isnt it)...

...? WTF? Secret files? And how big is 'too big to be flying'? Because space ships are, you know, big (side note: Paris Hilton is being sent into space I'm not even lying).

I wish I had some witty commentary on the state of our children, and how the internet is making us all dumber, but I really just wanted to give everyone a good laugh. Come, join me in the anonymous mockery!

Shameless self-promotion.

My new article is up at Back of the Book. I, uh...I give Britney Spears props. My seventeen-year-old self is spinning in its flannel-clad grave.

It must be mid-October.

I am the Duchess of MS Paint.

CLRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The internet is full of people doing things together. Losing weight together, reading books together, getting shit done in their houses together. Tackle it Tuesday is a blogging kick in the pants for people who need to get off their asses and clean the garage or fix a pair of pants. I don't usually do it because I like wallowing in my own filth.

Then! CLR comes along and is all, We'll give some free CLR to your readers as long as they use it to clean something. Me, I'm all for free internet junk, AND my house is a disaster.

My plan was to let the kitchen get rully dirty before playing along, but instead I had midterms. Hey presto, dirty kitchen.

I know, right? I won't give you any close-ups because let's face it, kitchens are disgusting. Just imagine crusted sauce and dried cheese and and smears of nast. I will show you this:

My sink! The deepest sink in the world! The problem with deep sinks is that they hide all your dirty dishes, so you're lulled into this false sense of good-housekeepery. You finally get around to washing a thing or two, and you're there for hours. Also, deep sinks = mucho stooping. Who knew.

H'anyvays, I cleaned my sink with my regular generic-brand-with-bleach:

And then again with CLR Kitchen and Bathroom:

Ok, so it's not the blood of virgins, but it did a decent job. Half of that is missing paint anyways. CLR smells better than the death-bleach smell, and I wish I'd had it when we were moving out of Dave and Shari's and trying to get the soap scum off the shower by sheer force of will.

And the kitchen?

Ta-ta!!!!

Revel in it, folks. Luxuriate in my clean kitchen. This won't happen again until we move.

Obama roll

Ok, if I lived in the States, not only would I vote Obama, but I'd run around in the streets telling other people why they should vote Obama. I don't think I've ever felt this strongly about an election; I sure didn't about the recent Canadian one.

Political views aside, this me laugh so hard I almost cried. If you don't have 1:30 to spare, skip ahead to :40. You will positively die.

Also, who has this kind of time?

Things that I suck at, Vol. 278

If I've blogged about this before, you can skip to 'So today,' and if you're boo, you can skip the whole thing because I texted you in real-time.

Ok, so sometimes I suck at running errands. Most of the time, I am an errand champion. I take the bus and I have to haul everything around on my back, so I excel at plotting out my errand points from least-heavy/likely-to-go-bad to most-etc. Also, I like to streamline things so that I'm getting off and on the bus the fewest amount of times.

A couple of weeks ago, I head out erranding on a Monday. Wheee to the library! Except that the library isn't open on Mondays. Very well, whee to the bulk foods store! Except, also not open on Mondays. Errand fail.

A week or so later, I head up to the used book store which claims to buy used books, and I get there all, Hey, you guys buy books?

The lady behind the counter: 'Yes.'

Me: '...Want some books?'

Lady: 'No.'

Me: '...?'

Lady: 'We don't buy books on Tuesdays.'

????

So today, I'm going to take 2 buses to the library, and then one bus back to Dunbar where I have to get off anyways and switch buses, so while I'm off, I'm going to hit the bulk foods store, and then zip all the way down to Zellers for cans/boxes/snacks, and then the produce store (which will be awkward, because I will be full of cans/boxes/snacks as well as bulk food products and books, but it's either that or head to Zellers all bulky with produce, which is less forgiving) where I will also buy milk because milk! So heavy!

Except that when I get to the library at 9:30, it doesn't open until 10. I text boo all 'schnoo schnoo schnooo,' drop off my books, and head to the bulk foods store. I'd been counting on picking up some books since I finished the one I was on this morning, and now have nothing to do on the bus but try and avoid that guy's eye. H'anyvays, I get off at Dunbar and head to the bulk foods store...also not open until 10. Parallel lives, the bulk foods and library. While I'm staring at the store hours and growling, my bus to Zellers goes whizzing by.

Now, even if I go all the way to Zellers and the produce store, I'll still only have finished half my errands, and I'll have to spend the whole bus ride bookless. Also, I will have to wait for a bus. Sometimes, you just cut your losses, head to the IGA for cereal and milk, and walk home.

Boobie bake-off

Ok, so we've gotten to the point as a species where, if you've got boobers, you're almost guarunteed boober-cancer. So in an effort to save the ta-tas, the intarnets have introduced the Boobie Bake-off, wherein people bake (pink) things, other people pay to vote on them, and cancer loses.

SO! I made Mint-chocolate Mammograms. Deliciousness for all.

For the cookies:

1/2 cup butter
1 1/2 cup flour
1/3 cup cocoa
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 or 2 eggs, beaten

Preheat oven to 350/180. Grease large cookie sheet.
Combine flour and cocoa. Cut in butter until fine. Stir in sugar.
Add enough beaten egg to form a soft dough. Roll to 1/8" and cut into rounds.





Bake about 15 minutes or until...they are still dark brown. Cool on wire rack.





For the frosting (this gets much less scientific):

A blob of butter, like, 2 golf-ball sized.
Powdered sugar...maybe a cup.
An eensy bit of milk or cream or half-and-half, whatever liquid dairy you have on hand.
Pink food coloring
Mint extract

Beaterize all the above. If too thick, add more milk. If too thin, add more sugar. I like it good and stiff for these, so that you can pile it on thick.



Blob frosting onto cookie.

Smoosh other cookie onto first (that's the 'mammogram' part).

Chuck into fridge until later so that frosting is less gishy.

Later, melt some chocolate - chocolate chips, chocolate bars, whatever - in the microwave until runny. Don't burn it.

Dip half of cookie into chocolate. Place on waxed/parchment paper and let set.

Eat and share with friends!

I am in a rut

All I have done for the last month, ALL I HAVE DONE! Is go to the doctor and phone Rogers.

So, I had to go to the doctor a few weeks ago for reasons that are personal and gross and which I will not share here. And then, remember when I rolled my ankle? I didn't go to the doctor then, because a rolled ankle isn't a big deal (even though it STILL HASN'T HEALED, FOUR WEEKS LATER!!!!!!), but then all of a sudden on Thursday the ball of my other foot is swollen, and then all of a sudden on Friday, the top of my foot directly above the ball is bruised, and that might be a big deal.

It isn't. But I had to go to the doctor to find that out.

Ok, and then also, this is the phone I've been using for the last five years.

It is compact and unbreakable and it wouldn't die. For five years, nothing I could do would make it die, and then it died, and besides, I really should start paying for my own phone. So waaaay back in September, Joel phoned Rogers and told them he wanted to cancel his plan, and then when they threw themselves prostate at his feet, he outlined all of the things that we would need in order to stay. Like new phones. For free.

A week later, this sweet baby came in the mail!

SO PINK!!! But Joel's didn't come, and my number had to be switched over besides, so we both phoned Rogers for our respective reasons, and then sat down to wait. Some days later, Joel's phone still hadn't come, and my number still hadn't been switched over, so we both phoned Rogers again. Joel's phone came, and my number switched, but hello! Our voicemails weren't working! So we both phoned Rogers again. The next day, my texting wasn't working, so I phoned Rogers again!!!

It's now been three whole days since I last phoned Rogers. I could sometimes kiss them for how helpful and eager and useful they are, but I hope to not phone them again for at least a month. Two would be nice. I went to the doctor today, and Joel is going later on this week (did I mention that all he has done for the last month is go to the doctor and phone Rogers? We live parallel, rutty lives), and then hopefully we will live lives of health for a good chunk of time.

I am internet-famous.

Yes, awesome. After years of being able to google my maiden name and find myself all over the place, I was pretty pissed to see how many Rachel Kruegers were out there. Finally, I show up on the first google page again.

Also, have I mentioned that I write the culture column here?

Things that make me feel old:

As I reach my twenty-six-and-a-halfth year, there are a handful of things around that are making me feel geriatric.

The cold. When did winters get to be so damned cold?

Teenagers. Especially ones in college. That were born in the nineties.

The fact that people who were born in the nineties are now in college.

My ankle. Remember how, when you were young, you'd hurt yourself and then a few days later, you'd be all, Oh! That scab has fallen off/bruise has gone away/bone has healed. Rad. So, last weekend (two full weeks after I rolled my ankle in the first place), I looked down and was all, Huh. Ankle is still fat. So I've been icing and elevating the hell out of it, and taking ibuprofen like candy (my stomach lining feels like crepe paper), and now you can sort of see the bump where my ankle-bone is. And I can almost sit cross-legged.

On the other hand, at least I'm younger than:

- Barbie,

- the Air Force,

- minute-rice,

- Pop-Tarts,

- Medicare,

- the CIA,

- the Pentagon,

- the Slinky,

- Sweet-n-Low,

- breast implants,

- the UN,

- Velcro,

- Alaska, and

- Spaghetti-O's.

And not everyone can say that.

When I have a midterm coming up and so everything everyone else does makes me crazy

Sometimes, the one side of people's phone conversations that I can hear makes me want to smack them.

Like the other day: 'Black....No, black....A black one....black....yes.....no, black....a black one...black.'

And then today: 'Where are you....in the SUB?.....Are you going to stay there?.....Are you....Are you going to stay there?....Are you going to stay there?.....Huh?'

Like, do you have the world's worst phone connection? Ever? Huh? What? Go outside and you can hear better.

I'm such a crank.

Eyeballs!

I have a HUGE midterm tomorrow and no time to study this evening, so I definitely shouldn't be doing this. But I'm kind of good at it (I KNOW!) and it's more fun than phonetic theory.