Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
adding to the exhaustion, the Clarence has lost his mind. he was sick all of last week, and mercifully kept home (except for that one day they tried to dupe us and drop him off anyway, and all he did was cry and cling to me), so now his routine is thrown off. he's probably still not feeling well, but i think it's more the having been sick and spoiled and at home for a week, and now being at daycare, and having (only the most necessary of) restrictions put on him. he's done nothing but tantrum for the past three days. he's at least 45 pounds, and taller than my waist, something of a two-year-old in a four-year-old's body, so his tantrums are pretty fierce. today, he head-butted me and split my lip. later, he bit me in the shoulder, hard enough to break skin through two layers of shirt. and because when he tantrums, he flings his head backwards towards the ground, all i can do is clutch him to my body to keep him from hurting himself or any of the other kids. this puts my shoulder within easy reach, and ten minutes later, he bit me again.
it's completely unsettling when someone physically harms you, intentionally. even when that someone is a toddler. and autistic. and temporarily batshit insane. so i bought myself a bag of hickory sticks.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
aside: if i could go back in time, i'd go to my 14-year-old self and tell her that lying in the sun for hours will damage her skin, and that 24 is too young to be prodding at your face in the mirror. and then i will tell her to stop caring about what people think of her, and that she has great legs, but that she should do something about her hair. and then i will probably lecture her on the dangers of high-school dating in the hopes that she wont end up dating That Guy, and then i'll tell her that carbs become the new tobacco in about five years, and that if she cuts back on her daily bagel now, she'll be way ahead of her time...in short, i will probably do more harm than good, and she'll probably end up laying in the sun anyways, because who doesn't love a good tan? so perhaps i wont.
and SO, the asian anti-aging secrets. allow me to pass them on to you.
- soak two grams of panax ginseng root in four ounces of fresh water for half an hour, then steam in a double boiler for an hour, drinking half of the resultant liquid before breakfast and polishing it off the following day. what could be more simple?
- mix a teaspoon of powdered pearl (yes, real pearls, crushed to powder) with an egg white and half a teaspoon of honey. apply to face and let sit for 20 minutes. rinse.
- boil eye of newt and tongue of hummingbird in one quart of mountain goat urine until coagulates. spread half on face, one teaspoon on left kneecap, and consume remainder.
ok, maybe i made that last one up, but for real. powdered pearl? boiling, steaming, drinking? i'll stick to my blusher and eye-bags.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
and it's ten o'clock, and that is the time that i start getting ready for bed.
solution? set up multiple accounts for multiple photo sets. so here are joel and my engagement photos, taken my my sister (who's other photography can be found here). the first seven are the ones she liked best, and spent time photoshopping zits (joel's) and wrinkles (mine) out of. the rest are ones i thought were cute. particularly the one of us jumping as high as we can (i didn't include the one where joel jumped so high that his shoe flew off, because i have chins [plural] in that one). i also like the ones with the shopping cart, because i think my hair looks kind of fabulous in them, not all dampness-frizz-chic like most of the other ones.
Friday, February 16, 2007
this, joel says, is because i do not watch enough sports.
if all you watch is sports highlights, then you start to think that highlights are (is?) all sports is (are?). apparently, if you sit through the tedium (i hear some like it) of an entire basketball game, you will better appreciate that one amazing play, that fluid motion and flawless communication. (joel and i being polar opposites, we draw a lot of analogies to better understand each other. this is his 'literature' analogy to help me understand 'sports') it's as though, he says, someone reads very little, and all that they do read is the 'good stuff,' best-seller fiction or literary classics or books of quotations. this leads them to assume that all books are full of pithy insights and cleverly-wrought phrases, and so they express neither surprise nor pleasure when they come upon a great novel. i, on the other hand, having read a great deal of tripe (this is not precisely true, but we'll come to that later), am more inclined to appreciate such literary treasures as 'the count of monte cristo,' or 'the poisonwood bible.'
this whole conversation, besides expanding my grasp of sports and their highlights, got me thinking about the amount of bad literature that i do or do not read. for years, all i read was classics (dickens, dumas, melville, steinback) because they were safe. they were established as 'good' books, and i didn't have to a) worry about putting effort into something that would lead to disappointment, or b) form an opinion on them, because they were classics. you can't say charles dickens sucks, because he doesn't. he's charles dickens. he wrote 'oliver twist' (which i just read again, and that disney movie about the cat really doesn't do it any justice, because it's quite fabulously dark, and you also can't say that charles dickens sucks because i'll punch you. in the eye. quite hard). and i'm lazy about forming opinions.
that being said, there are zouzands of books out there, and probably most of them are bad, and how do you keep from wasting your time? so i've taken suggestions from people i know, and from the blogs of people i don't know, and then often at the library i'll pick up a book just because it's called 'the sun also rises,' and haven't i heard of that somewhere before? or because there's this book, 'the mermaid something' that i keep seeing touted in chapters, by the author of 'something something bees,' only i've never read 'something something bees,' so that doesn't mean anything to me, until i'm in the library, and i'm like, oh look! 'a recipe for bees'! and so i took it home and read it, and it's really not all that good, but that's ok, because the book i actually meant was 'the secret life of bees.' which is a different book altogether.
and so what with my rediscovering the library, and deciding to branch out and read some potential tripe from time to time, and my two-and-a-half-hour daily transit adventure, i've been reading a cheerful menagerie of late. and because i'm lazy about forming opinions, i've decided to do just that, and set them down here for you, e-reader. not in a 'i liked it; i hated it; i was indifferent towards it' sort of way, because that does neither you nor me any good, but more in a 'it was quite delicious escapist literature without all the usual smut, and even though i'm always a little self-conscious and embarrased to be reading Christian fiction, because it all seems so contrived and ridiculous, maybe that has more to do with how i feel about my religion than it does with how i feel about the book, and the writing is quite good, and the characters are quite moving, and i almost did cry a little bit at the end, so i can't decide if i liked it or loved it, but i probably didn't hate it' which is actually how i feel about most books that aren't-classics-so-i-don't-have-to-like-them.
tangent the first: i've started reading the 'mark of the lion' series, jane. and that (see: above) is how i feel about the first book.
tangent the second: this post is actually a prequel to this post, in which i do this very thing that i'm talking about here. i just mean to do it more frequently, 's all i'm saying.
tangent the third: i really did hate 'moby dick,' classic or no.
so, since i got distracted and spent probably half an hour perusing that guy's (see: above) blog, i've kind of lost the thread of this post. i think what i meant so say, in closing, was that this post is already WAAAAAAAY too long to be putting my literary e-opinions here, so i'll call it quits for the now.
addendum: joel, bent towards sciences and sports though he may be, has read 'anna karenina.' cover to cover. before it became part of oprah's book club. is he not fabulous?
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
also, pertaining to washing, this morning i washed my face with this apple facewash (agreeable and tangy) and then moisturized with this goat's milk moisturizer (pleasant, if a bit goaty), two products which i appreciate in and of themselves. however, the resultant combination of smells was so FOUL that i had to wash my face again, and was nearly late for work.
also, pertaining to work, i would just like to state (besides the fact that i'm a heartless, childless daycare worker who doesn't give a damn about mum's job and doesn't understand what it takes to survive in the real world) that it is CHEATING to give your child a tylenol to bring his fever down just before you drop him off at daycare, so that his temperature is a healthy 97.4 all day and we can't send him home, but he is very clearly still ill. and two years old. and autistic.
also, happy valentines day, everyone.
see? cute! and here i am, with a little peek-a-boo belly! a cute one!
and i am covered with sand! and SO pleased about it! and cute!
and wearing giant sunglasses! and cute!
and then i came back to my computer after a long night of scanning cute little me into the other computer, and somewhere between here and there, i grewed up!
it gave me something of a shock to see myself, all adult-like, with a fiance growing out of my temple, after hours of tiny, helpless, funny me. is this what parenting is, having them leap through twenty years while you're busy boiling water?
Monday, February 12, 2007
got chased by a goose
was thrown a wedding shower
received two crock pots
was served breakfast in bed
went to five different video stores looking for 'dirty work' with norm macdonald. worth every penny
switched to the new blogger. they kept hounding me, and finally there was no 'skip this and go on to dashboard' button. i feel coerced.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
the snack: quesadillas
Co-Clarenceherd: do you want seconds?
May Be Slightly-Retarded Clarence: *emphatic nod*
Co-Clarenceherd: do you want seconds?
Clarenceasaurus: *emphatic nod*
MBSR Clarence to Clarenceasaurus, in a hoarse stage-whisper: what's 'seconds'?
Clarenceasaurus to MBSR Clarence: i don't know, but look! i got another one of these cheese things!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
on her way home from school, my sister stopped by the staples to get some prints put on transparencies for a class presentation. the exchange went thusly:
boo: can i get these prints put onto some transparencies?
staples guy: do you want them in color or in black-and-white?
aside: the prints were in b&w
boo, jocularly: well, black-and-white, unless you can get color out of these.
staples guy, straight-faced: no.
staples guy walks away, boo is left in the awkwardness of the moment.
less than an hour later, on my way home from work, i stopped by the staples to ask the self-same staples guy about getting invitation photos printed. the exchange went thusly:
me: *some long and convoluted question about printing 4x4 prints*
sssg: *some long-winded answer*
me: *some quasi-funny crack that i really don't remember, and i swear i would put in it here if i did and any look back at this blog's history will reveal that i have no problem putting my stupid comments down in print, but i really can't remember what i said. i just know that it wasn't over-funny, but it was something that a polite salesperson would usually chuckle at, because i am the customer, and i am always right. and funny.*
sssg: *straight-faced, uncomprehending, unlaughing answer*
staples guy walks away, i am left in the awkwardness of the moment.
i get home, boo and i swap stories. we laugh. she goes downstairs to print something. the printer beeps.
father: welp, out of toner. guess we'd better head to staples.
boo: eep. and i have more pictures i need printed.
me: eep. and i forgot to ask the staples guy something.
we go to staples. boo and i wait in line, have awkward conversation with sssg, hope he doesn't recognize us as those two girls who were trying (on separate occasions) to be funny, and then i go home and tell joel. he laughs. joel loves few things more than an awkward moment.
(see also: boo's comment on my last post)
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
i stopped by the gym to discuss whether or not i still maintained a membership there, despite my refusal to attend (or pay) for the past four months. the answer was, bizarrely, yes.
i dropped of a (three-weeks overdue) video. thanks, no-late-fees.
i stopped by staples to get the photos for our invitations printed. one hundred four-by-four prints, four to a page, equals twenty-five eight-and-a-half-by-eleven prints, with some room in the margins. staples does these for cheap. howEVER, they charge you a dollar per cut to cut them out for you, and since these photos were tricky business, they recommended that i cut them one sheet at a time, since their paper-cutter had a tendency to slide. that's nine cuts per sheet, times twenty-five sheets, equals two hundred and twenty-five cuts, equals two hundred and twenty-five dollars.
i could cut them out myself.
do you know how long takes to make two hundred and twenty-five cuts? an hour. an hour! that's EIGHTY-SIX YEARS IN SICK-TIME!!! the fellow at staples was kind enough to let me use their fine paper-cutting device, so at least i wasn't stuck at home hacking away with my safety scissors, but i shiverred and coughed and sneezed out little bits of photo paper and got dirty looks from the staples-girl for phlegming on their equipment, all for the sake of a fine invitation.
the point of this post, i guess, is this. if you get an invite, count yourself lucky. not because you get to partake of the splendor that will be my wedding, but because what you hold in your hands represents the sweat of my brow, and the expectoration of my lungs. if your picture has a scrap of white border on the edge that i failed to cut off, or if the slice isn't exactly even, don't mention it. i will open-handed slap you, on my wedding day.
Monday, February 05, 2007
when i woke up at four o'clock this morning, i reiterated to myself how sick i was, and how much i was NOT going to go to work.
when i woke up at six, however...'dammit! i feel A LITTLE BIT BETTER.'
so, not sick enough to stay home, but sure sick enough to wish i was dead, i am trying to appreciate life's little favors. like, when you wake up in the middle of the night and your southside nostril is completely stuffed, and then you roll over and it becomes your northside nostril, and you can feel the congestion shattering and for, like, twenty-six seconds, you can actually breathe like normal people.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
the naked leg during the winter is like that uncle who shows up every christmas, having put on a little more weight and forgotten to shave.
so today, as i sat stretching, i got a good, close look at my naked-below-the-gym-shorts leg. my first thought was 'ye gads! someone has replaced my leg with that of a man! a sparsely-haired man, to be true, but one who's lower limbs have certainly not met with a razor since that one time in college.'
and so then i went to shave in our stand-up shower (our real shower, with the tub, is broked), and slipped a few times, and got tired of suspending one leg in the air because there's no bathtubside to rest it on, and all my shaving foam kept rinsing off because there's nowhere to put your leg that's outside the stream of the shower, and then i cut myself and the foam all ran into it, and i hadn't rinsed out my conditioner yet, and that all ran into it, and i only got most of one leg and patches of the other cleared and that'll have to do.
and tomorrow, my legs will be cold, because the hairs really do keep you warm.