Monday, February 22, 2010

It is like Wonderland, not as in 'Winter' but as in 'Alice in'

Ok guys, seriously.  I understand if the Olympics is making you cranky because you work downtown and there are HOARDS or you are a paramedic and Vancouver sucks at organizing things like sufficient paramedics.  You guys may feel free to bitch.  But everyone else who is just nay-saying the Olympics because you think it makes you sound world-weary and cultured, you need to go down there and let random shit happen to you.

Because you will waste an entire morning trying to get curling tickets, only to realize that the O brings out the professional scalpers who still want $100 for a $60 ticket when the event is an hour gone, and you will laugh at them because this is ridiculous.

And then you will see a really patriotic dog, and it might try to bite your face off, but it won't try really hard.

And then there will be Russian ladies dancing,

And then you will be offered free poutine but you will still be full from lunch, and you will only be in the Quebec pavillion to use their bathroom anyways.

And then you will watch bobsledding in a bar and everyone will groan every time your country doesn't win a heat (which is every time) and they will bring you chips and salsa in to-go containers so that they don't have to do any dishes.

And then a guy will drive by with a goat in his car.

And then you will eat a cream puff the size of your two fists.  With caramel sauce.

And then you will watch speed-skating on a giant screen with hundreds of other people who will all hold their breath when you are in second place for the briefest moment, but you will lose it and end up last.  Everyone will moan, but you kind of won't mind because you will be petting a puppy.

And then there will be a Coke parade and you will get a free Coke, but you will not drink it because it is nighttime and cold so you will put it in your purse for later.

And then, just when you will be packing it in for the night, a man will try to sell you hockey tickets at face value and you will talk him down to face value minus $30 and then you will go see a hockey game and they will confiscate your parade Cokes at the door, which you will find ironic because Coke is a supporter of the Olympics, no?  But you won't really care because you will be at an Olympic hockey game!

And because it is between Germany and Belarus, everyone will cheer for everything and there will be lots of cheering.  Also, a fat Jack Bauer wearing eight t-shirts will strip one off and dance every time the camera is on him, and it will never not be funny.

And then the next day you will wake up at 6am to see if any curling tickets were released late, and none will be so you will go back to sleep and then wake up at 9 and watch curling in your sweats and it will be way better that way.

And then you will go wait in line for over an hour (in the sunshine, with other charming people and their adorable Russian girlfriends who are always scampering off to see how much Russia is winning by and seriously, it will be adorable) to get into the VAG for free to see Leonardo Da Vinci's anatomical drawings that the queen lent, and your husband will explain to you all these things that Da Vinci figured out that science did not yet know, and it will be surprisingly interesting.

And then you will head to the ferries, thinking that you are making good time to catch the 5 and can watch Canada play USA on the ferry, but everyone (including you) will forget that not only is this Sunday, but it is the end of UVic's spring break and you will be nearish the front of a line of several thousand foot passengers and you will count yourself lucky to catch the 7.

But the sun will still be out and the general carnival atmosphere will make the wait like your own personal Olympic event, and the cameraderie will extend to the ridiculously long food line-ups inside the ferry and a very nice lady will offer you both a ride home because the line-ups for the buses stretch around the parking lot.

Disclaimer: not all of thsi stuff will happen to you.  But probably some of it will.


Anonymous said...

Randomness is what makes the Olympic experience so much fun. But a goat in a car?? I just saw boring things like Superman and a guy dressed like a Beaver.

Sounds like you had an amazing time!

Heather J. said...

I'm totally jealous. I want to go to Vancouver right now!