there's another picture where i'm pretending to eat the snake, but the sun was in my eyes and so it doesn't actually look anything like i'm going to gobble him, and the picture makes me look fat besides, so i won't post it. it's my vanity, and my blog, and i'll do as i please.
so, it came to me all in a rush the other night, as very obvious things usually do, that i can't go back in time and change everything that has happened to these boys (i was thinking of bun in particular at the time). i can love them and care for them and take some of the load of responsibility off of their (once again, bun's) shoulders, but i can't go back and change the things that have made them (him) so responsible, that have forced them (him) to grow up so fast. i can't give them back their childhoods. at the most, all i can give them is my companionship for a summer, and my love forever after.
martin and hannah went to the hospital yesterday to hold a baby...i don't really know the whole deal but this baby's been sick, and there's no one to care for him, so they were there from 10:00 to 4:00 just holding him and loving him...they said they felt so powerless. he's been ill, so he doesn't respond like most babies to human affection. he never really sleeps, so he's never really awake (quote paraphrase, source: fight club). they said he was lethargic and cried weakly the whole time, and they didn't feel like anything they did was helping. that's how i feel with the boys. sometimes i think the thai feel as though farang were omnipotent, and other times i think farang feel that way. we want to be able to step in and fix everything, and then go home having left a tidy legacy. but these are not new bathrooms to be painted, nor playgrounds to be built, nor houses of the old and infirm to be set in order. these are people, and people are not a one-time project no matter what you do with them. games and face-painting and trips to the zoo will not cure what ails them. ultimately, only God's love can do that, and my only real option is to be an instrument of that love. how utterly deflating, and surpassingly empowering.