So, I was watching 'Marie Antoinette,' the one with Kirsten Dunst that was supposed to have all the great costumes and stuff. And it really did. I spent the whole movie thinking 'Geez, she looks great in that. I wish I could wear fabulous ruffled dresses and foot-long feathers in my hair and not be hauled off to the crazy house.' But I totally hate her as an actress, and her teeth are fangy, and the film couldn't decide if it wanted to be set back in the day, but have them talk all modern-y (a la A Knight's Tale) or be set in modern times and have them talk all medival (like the last Romeo and Juliet, what with their calling 'swords' what are clearly guns) and so she kept saying things like 'hanging out' but then she'd have these awful, pompous, faux-Shakespearean lines, and then she didn't even get beheaded at the end! This is MARIE ANTOINETTE, people. She of 'Let them eat cake' fame. Cruel. Heartless. Rich. I wanted a guillotining.
Anyways, so I was watching this and kind of hating it but sort of getting sucked into the awkward story line (she's the princess of Austria, marries the prince of France to formulate an alliance, which can only be done by producing an heir, but her husband is too young/stupid/shy/gay to sleep with her and so months [or weeks, or years...the film was kind of unclear on this] go by without him making a husbandly pass at her. And then her brother has a chat with him and all of a sudden he just 'gets it.' I forget what the rest is about, because problem solved kind of in the middle of the film, and the rest is sort of vague) and then Joel phones and asks what I'm up to, and should he pick up a movie on his way home, and I say YES OH YES BUT NOT MARIE ANTOINETTE BECAUSE I'M ALREADY WATCHING IT AND IT'S BAD! And so he phones from the movie store and says 'Apocalypto?' and I scream some more things in all-caps and he ends up bringing home Word Play, which is a documentary on crossword puzzles. Yes, crossword puzzles. This guy I worked with at Red Robin last year bought me a book on (not of) crossword puzzles called Cruciverbalism of something of that nature, it's on the bookshelf behind me and I'm just that lazy. Anyway, it's pretty awesomely terrible, what with its history of the puzzle and its coverage of the National Crossword Puzzle Competition, which was sort of thrilling because this one guy, see, he came in third every year for the past, like, five years, and once again he's in the top three, and so the top three are up on stage all doing the final puzzle which is on these three huge whiteboards, and they have headphones on so they can't hear anything from the crowd or each other, and their racing and the guy who always comes in third finishes first, and calls 'Done!' and whips off his headphones and the room is silent, and he looks, and he's left two spaces blank because he forgot to go back and look it over and he loses the final and comes in third AGAIN! See? Thrilling. Just like sports.
And then yesterday, because I can't leave even a bad thing unfinished, I watched the rest of M-A, and it was worse than the first half because it didn't have that hilariously awkward what-do-you-do-when-your-sixteen-year-old-husband-doesn't-want-to-have-sex-with-you vibe and, as I mentioned, she didn't get beheaded. Which, I'm pretty sure, happened in real life, and I figure that would be a pretty benchmark moment in your life, and if they're going to make a movie about you, should be included.
I, Rachel Krueger, in my unofficial living e-will, do hereby declare that if I am killed in some exciting or vengeful fashion (by bloodthirsty mob, say) and a film is made to depict my life, I would like to have my unseemly death included in the rendition. Also, I would like to be played by...hey, since I don't know how to make those clever polls everyone is doing these days, let's make this an open comment poll. If they were to make a movie about me and my thrilling, untimely death, who would play me?