Thursday, November 30, 2006

because toques mess up your hair

i know that everyone i've run into in the past month has heard this story, but i can think of at least two people who read this blog who i haven't seen in at least a month, and at least two other people who read this blog who i DON'T EVEN KNOW, so they can enjoy my struggles, and the rest of you can skip this.

i have been looking for earmuffs for over a month.

remember way back in october, when it got really cold there for a bit, and i went on the halloween train and to fright night at the pne, both outdoornighttime activities? i looked for earmuffs then. everyone told me it 'wasn't the season' for earmuffs.

i got the same line a week or so ago. 'are you serious? because it's nearly the end of november, and it's hella cold outside. i can't actually think of a better time to sell me earmuffs than RIGHT NOW!!!'

and then today, because everyone says 'have you checked zellers? because zellers will have earmuffs' but they didn't, but they told me to check shoppers drug mart and they didn't but the girl there used to work at they bay, and they do, she said. they didn't, but they did have these darling brown mittens with an orange and blue flower on the back, and when you put your hands inside, the big finger lump was separated into little finger cavities, and i know that defeats the purpose of mittens, and now you have something that lacks both the fingers-all-together warmth maintanence of mittens and the separate-finger dexterity of gloves, but they were cunning little things, and i wanted them.

ANYway, i am sending out a plea. does anyone OWN any earmuffs? know where i can BUY earmuffs? want to SELL me some earmuffs?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

welcome to utah

for most of the night tonight, my section hosted a bachelor party...of mormons.

if any of your mormon friends are getting married, send them and their buddies my way. hours of good, clean, non-drinking, PG mormon fun. hours.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

That Guy

so, i'm at work on saturday, and i casually glance in the lobby as i stroll by, and HEY! it's That Guy i dated for, like, two years in high school. no big deal, right? i mean, we parted amicably enough (even though that 'amicable' status deteriorated a year or so later when i found out that he had cheated on me A MILLION TIMES!!), and it was eight years ago, so i should be able to shake my head at my adolescent antics and go on about my business, right? RIGHT?

except i didn't. i crouched behind a table so he couldn't see me, and frantically waved the hostess over. 'That Guy in the black fleece, you can't sit him in my section. or i'll shoot you.' and then i went to the bartender for comfort, because i knew she'd cuddle me. and there was fretting and the wringing of hands and the gnashing of teeth and the avoiding of a whole half of the restaurant until he left, because somehow, this shook me.

i mean, he was my first serious boyfriend, and my first kiss and the first guy i thought i loved, and (possibly the most damaging, once he turned up a hypocritical man-whore) my Christian mentor at a time when i was just figuring this Jesus thing out. but years have gone by, and i have dated other, (some only margianally) better guys, and even gone to prayer counseling to deal with this thing, and so i feel like it SHOULDN'T FAZE ME ANY MORE!!!

my oldest friend is getting married this may, and, if i'm not mistaken, two of my ex-boyfriends will be at her wedding (right, jacks? or just the one?) and to that i say, well, hell's bells. but it really doesn't bother me, because a) as her bridesmaid, i will look hot, b) they will not be surprising me at my place of business, and c) they didn't toss my heart under a moving subway just for kicks (did i mention that the two years were packed full of psychological, emotional and spiritual manipulation, and that i never even suspected the cheating, because how could That Guy, who was shocked and apalled by my vampish love of TANK TOPS, be getting his freak on with some other girl?)

the question is, i guess, is does it ever go away? i mean, even though you've 'gotten over it,' does the sight of That Person who hurt you most, or first, or worst, ever not give you the unpleasant shakes? does it get better if you see them all the time? or if you know when it's coming? or is it just one of those things you have to solve by fleeing the country?

disclaimer: while That Guy received marginally bad service, and trevor offered to walk over, whip out his unmentionable part, and gently rest it on That Guy's shoulder, no one spat in his food or 'accidentally' spilled hot soup on him. on the whole, i feel he got off lightly.

Friday, November 24, 2006

i suppose the star over the stable might have been a kind of horoscope

the Prematurely Old Clarence frequently tests my abilities to steer sketchy conversations into clearer waters. with five-year-olds, you don't really want to be discussing predestination versus free will, for example, or their little heads might pop off (on second thought, this isn't looking like a bad idea). you tend to couch things in simpler terms, or avoid those subjects altogether. also, we try to discourage 'bathroom words.'

it's hard, though, when the Prematurely Old Clarence, who is Practically Perfect in Every Way, turns to me and asks whether farts are made of gas. or whether a turd is a kind of poo. the runny kind, right? and does so with complete sincerity.

and there is definitely no appropriate response to this, that i can see...

it's circle time, the clarences are gathered around
rachel: friends, what holiday is coming up?
clarences: merry christmas!!!
rachel: that's right, chrismas is coming! and what are we celebrating at christmas time?
half of the clarences, because the other half don't know: Jesus' birthday!!!
prematurely old clarence: Jesus is a capricorn, you know.

Friday, November 17, 2006

i know jeremy already posted this video to his blog...

but it just makes me SO HAPPY, for reasons i can't explain. the lyrics roughly translated, run thusly:

young brother, young brother, be quiet
you are crying, but our father has left us
he has gone to the place of the dead
to protect the living, to protect the orphan child

i always almost cry at the end a little. i know. but it's just so endearing!!

Friday, November 10, 2006


friends, this is the problem. it's late. it's 2:15 in the a.m. i've only just got home, and i'm not a whit tired. i know that when the alarm goes off tomorrow at 6:30, i'll be exhausted to the bone, and the temptation is to stay up clean through the night. feeling the way i do now, i know i could. four years of college, though, have taught me how that next day feels; your eyes are aliens and your skin tries to slink away without you noticing. this is not a fitting condition to be working with children, particularly when not even a good day leaves you without the burning need to pitch one out a window. still, this is the pattern of my every day. i'm dead beat in the morning, yawny-tired until about 2:00, starting to liven up at around 6:00, and raring to go once the midnight hour has passed. i should get myself some sort of vampire status, and save myself all this grief.

time to talk myself down to sleep.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

rule #96 for the preservation of self

thou shalt not watch the America's Next Top Model season recap with a bowlful of halloween leavings in thy lap.