Thursday, March 29, 2007

family fisticuffs

there are some things i will miss once i'm married, like living, teenager-style, with my family.

par example, my sister and i were in the bathroom getting ready for bed just now, and we both had to pee, but neither of us was willing to concede the toilet. a brief tussle ended with her drooling on my foot, and thereby earning the right to pee first.

joel and i will never have this problem, mainly because i am unable to physically relocate him, from the toilet or otherwise.

Monday, March 26, 2007

in which i use a thesaurus to describe an old man

so, there's this man who works at the kiosk where i invariably buy my monthly bus pass. it's on the way between the skytrain and my way out of the mall, so i keep giving them my business, even though the kiosk-man is SO RUDE!

par example, when i first got a job out in surrey, it was the 5th of the month, or so. i went to ask if they had any bus passes left, knowing that my chances were slim, but it's worth the risk for the savings. so i go and ask the guy, do you have any bus passes left? he tells me (his voice dripping with scorn) that they don't, and that they've been sold out for five days. he sneers at me in wonderment (as he oozes disdain), why would i want to buy a bus pass now, i've missed out on five days of bus riding? i tell him that i didn't have a job out in surrey until just now, and i leave, probably in a huff.

another time, i stop by on the FIRST OF THE MONTH, when it is conceivable that they may just have a pass or two left, and again, i am met with scorn and disdain. perhaps even a bit of derision.

one time i went by on the 25th to buy a pass for the next month. many times, i have gone on the 25th to buy a pass for the next month. more scorn, more derision, heaps of disparagement. the passes weren't going on sale until the following day.

today i went to buy a pass, drawing my thickened skin around me, only to have him make some cheerful old-man jokes and jubilantly hand me my pass!!! no jeering! no scorn! not even a trace of contempt!

make up your mind, dammit, and stick to your stereotype.

Sunday, March 25, 2007


a handful of my friends are getting married this summer, and some of them are trying to lose a few pounds first. i had planned on keeping all of my pounds, but to them i give this advice: become terribly ill and unable to eat like an adult for a couple of weeks. your hair will be dull, your skin waxy, and you will look like nothing so much as a crayon drawing of yourself, but the pounds will flow from you like runny-poops.

Friday, March 23, 2007


in my less-somnulent moments, i've been playing a lot of this game. i find it soothing, and appreciate the low demands its one-decision-per-round format makes on my energies.

something productive

with all the hustle and bustle of late, all the working 9-hour days, my 2-hour-and-some/day commute, the inexhaustible wedding errands that crop up like weeds, i thought it might be nice to be sick for a few days. really, truly, can't-go-to-work-or-get-a-damn-else-thing-done sick. it'd be like a saturday where i don't have anything planned, except that there would be two of them, and then i'd have a saturday afterwards to top it all off.

i'd forgotten how PROFOUNDLY DULL it is.

i find myself going to the bathroom just for something to do. i just accompanied my sister to staples in an effort to break the interminable nap cycle. i told myself i could eat that hersheys kiss i found in the car if only i did something productive first. that 'something' could be neither napping, nor staring listlessly at a page while pretending to read.

this is my something.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

pie in the sky

i am sorry, it has been a while since my last post. but you see, on sunday i had decided that i was going to make a pie. joel was over, i had nothing pressing to do, and everyone loves a good pie. however, once we'd picked up the apples, i discovered that i had something far more pressing to do, and that was to be sick.

monday, i came home from work hell-bent on making a pie, sick or no. i set about slicing my apples, rolling my pastry, and neatly latticing my fine upper crust, only to drop the entire thing in my lap on its way to the oven

that last may have been an exaggeration. the pie was on a baking sheet so's not to boil over, and it slid around and about, causing stress and anxiety, until i caught it against my lap. some of the filling slopped onto the floor, and the lattice top was ruined, but i managed to shift the bulk of the dessert back into the plate. no one was any the wiser.
tuesday i was plenty sick, wednesday i went to the clinic. the sinus infection of last week has become the throat and chest infection of the now, leaving me weak and phlegmy. today i am on killer antibiotics.
so you see, this post was a week in the making. savor it well.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

eau de nervous bride

today i was getting my dress fitted, which is one of those intimate procedures where you're totally regretting not having shaved, and the girl touches your bum like, eight times, and then, right when she was all up in my space trying to fit the bodice so that it didn't slide down and cut into my side-shelves, I FARTED.

there's no way out of that one.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

the pounding ache has somewhat abated

i have une sinus infection.

i have been put on les antihistimines, and une nasal spray avec steroids.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

you not a artist! you cant draw!

i was just going to post a comment on this post of jane's, but the story got really long in my mind, so i decided to just post it my ownself.

this one time, in college, we were assigned to take a pre-existing playground (hand-drawn and given to us by the instructor) and re-design it for children with special needs. ALL special needs. so i researched and researched, thought and planned. i decorated everything in bright, contrasting colors so that those with limited vision could find their ways around, i included several types of support swings for several types of needs, i even fitted out the slides with a particular plastic because some plastics can cause static and short-out hearing aides. bet you didn't know.

anyway, the project was worth 15% of our final grades, and was 3-fold. 5% went towards our paper explaining what we had done, 5% went towards evidence of research and thought presented, and 5% went towards the poster depicting the new playground. i got 5/5 on each of the first two, and a cheerful, fatty ZERO on the last.

five percent of my final grade was taken from me because i cannot draw. my poster was neat, but not beautiful. i fought the grade, the prof wouldn't budge. i swore (not at her, but in her presence), which i later regretted and phoned her at home to apologize. some of my classmates (remember, this is in college) ratted me out to our program director, who called me into her office and chewed me out, EVEN THOUGH I HAD ALREADY DEALT WITH IT!!! aforementioned program director brought it up again in my fourth year (swearing incident happened in my second year) when i failed to invite her to my senior discernment, even though it had nothing to do with the topic at hand.

all because i can't draw. drew, jane? i hear ya loud and clear.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


we all know what cliches are, and we all try not to use them, except facetiously and to prove just how above that we are, but this guy and these guys simultaneously put forth contests to bring new idioms into the world. one has you reinvent the old, the other asked for completely fresh material, and the results are hi-larious. i, personally, plan on referring to things as being 'the bee's pajamas' in the near future.

at any rate, the one guy is considering making this an on-going feature and asked for continued submissions, so i sent him a funny story which i will reiterate for you now.

i was teaching english in thailand, and looking up resources on the internet. my friend hannah and i came upon a quiz that tests english slang and idiom. 'to mean something completely different is:
a. a whole other barrel of monkeys
b. a whole other kettle of fish (correct)
c. a whole other sack of ferrets'
i thought option c. was the funniest thing i'd ever heard, while hannah favored option a. regardless, we started interspersing our vocabulary with these revamped versions, and were suprised to find how few people (even native english speakers) caught on. i was discussing something with my supervisor, and i said 'but that's a whole other sack of ferrets,' to which she replied 'tell me about that sack.'

there you have it, straight from my 'sent items' folder to you.

and now, my friends, everyone gets ice cream.

Monday, March 05, 2007


so, for months and months and months, people at work would get sick, because that is what you do when you work with children, you get sick, and i wouldn't get sick, and i would think to myself, man! my immune system is amazing! up until about a month ago, when i got really sick, and then i got mostly better so i was only a little sick up until today when i got really sick again.

the co-clarenceherd is also resoundingly ill, so she went home. they hired a sub for the daycare, and my clarences and i were reunited (oh bliss!). when jane phoned to let me know that we weren't meeting tonight because most of us were sick, the clarences piped up with 'who are you talking to?' 'is that your boyfriend?' 'HEY! ARE YOU GONNA MARRY MISS RACHEL???' i've missed them so.

so, since i'm heading to bed in about twenty minutes, i'll just leave you with this quote from the weekend...

my grandma: ...and the doctor was in a print dress! i don't want a doctor in a print dress! she looked like a cleaning lady!!!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

are you watching closely?

have you SEEN 'the prestige'? NO????

go rent it right now.

deception after deception and lie after lie and magic trick that goes terribly awry after magic trick that goes terribly awry!


this movie is fabulous. except that hugh jackman is so not hot in it. he should stick to being wolverine.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

the shortest distance between two points is three transfers

translink, bless its heart, has a trip planning feature on its website. you enter where you are starting from, where you'd like to end up, what time you'd like to leave (or arrive), and the intarweb provides you with all of your options.

option A: to get to the mall, i take the 110 up the hill. it picks me up about half a block from my house, and deposits me right at the entrance to the mall about 5 minutes later. however, should i so desire, translink's trip plan has also provided me with...option B: take the 110 for 2 minutes and then get off. take the 106 to the new west sky train station, and then skytrain to metrotown. this trip will take a total of 32 minutes, but i will have to walk 0.05 km less than the 0.09 km i am walking in option A. OR, i could take option C, which recommends i take the 110 in the opposite direction from the mall for about 12 minutes, getting off at canada way, and then take the 123 to willingdon, at which point i will get off and catch the 130 up to the mall, which will bring me in almost a complete tetrahedron from where i started, take 36 minutes, AND i will have to walk almost twice as far as in option A.

translink, i salute your efforts to be thorough, but you are ALTOGETHER TOO KEEN!

Thursday, March 01, 2007


i'm sorry, regular miscellaneous blog. i haven't meant to neglect you. it's just that i've been busy setting up my two other, specific blogs.

there's the one where i'm slowly copy-and-pasting all of my thailand posts, because sometimes people want to read about my trip, and i don't want them to come here and find out that i have a potty mouth.

and there's the one where i talk about books i done read, because i decided not to clutter up this blog with those posts. some people can't read good, and i feel like books could be a dicey subject. you know how i feel about dicey subjects.

anyway, regular miscellaneous blog, to bring you up to speed, i spent last weekend in kelowna watching joel's volleyball team take silver, and joel being named 'player of the game' in the gold medal match. the other 'wives' and i made shirts which i will post a picture of if i ever get my hands on one.

Clarence has stopped biting me, and has only kicked me a handful of times this week. it no longer takes three people to change his diaper.

i am still with the dayclarences and not my own beloved kinderclarences, though i stop by to say hi to them on my frequent trips to the bathroom. the dayclarences are cute in their own way. they say things like 'i have s'rong mussles' when they're carrying three tupperware containers (empty). also, they are easier to pick up than the kinderclarences, and there is more than one girl to 'do' my hair for me.

i had curry chicken for dinner.

that's about it, miscellaneous blog. now that i'm done selecting templates and adding blog features, you and i can start spending more time together again. and i'll always love you most, because you were my first.