Dear Malaspina University-College,
Firstly, I didn’t know that there were any other university-colleges. I thought it was something the University College of the Fraser Valley had made up so that they wouldn’t feel quite so bad about not being a real university. And I would feel some sort of solidarity with you over this if I didn’t hate you so much.
Because, see, here’s the thing , I totally do.
I had to hang out with you all weekend, and you know what they say familiarity breeds (hint, because you don’t, because you’re an idiot: it's contempt). There are so many things about you that are terrible. You have the tiniest, darkest cesspool of a gym in all of BC. Granted, it used to be an aircraft hangar, which is historically awesome and kind of aesthetically interesting, but as a gymnasium it’s an impractical mess. And I know you know this. You know that you’re on the lower socio-economic scale of gymnasiums, because you’ve played in other gyms, and you know that they have things like lights, and seats. You can only seat, like, a dozen people, which is fine, really, because that's about the number of people that want to be there.
You know that no one wants to come to your gym anyways, let alone pay you eight dollars (four if they lie by omission and let you believe they’re still in high school) to sit on your hard, splintery bleachers just so they can watch their husband play the last damn volleyball games of his career. Where do you get off, then, cordoning half of your seats and labeling them ‘Mal-U Students Only’? This is like me inviting you to my house (under duress) and then dropping ‘Kruegers only' signs on all my couches, and then making you walk around until you find a seat that isn’t reserved. You think that’s good hosting? Making the first thing I see a giant ‘You Can’t Sit Here’ sign? Since you obviously do have to block off your students due to their douche-baggery (this is, honest, the reason we were given for the designated section), why not put them in the second set of bleachers? You can see from there just fine, and that way the first thing I’ll see when I walk in is a place to sit, and the second thing I’ll see is a sign indicating that I’ll be spared sitting with your reprehensible student body.
Your students are total ass-hats. Again, I know you know this. When we threw down the gauntlet and insisted on sitting in the Mal-U section, because to hell with your signs, we were politely but firmly informed that we should move, because every Mal student worth his or her salt was currently at the pub (it was 2:30 in the afternoon) and would be arriving at 3:00 for the Mal – Douglas game, and that that section would become rather R-rated. And I know that college students have a right, almost an obligation, to get falling-down drunk in the middle of the afternoon and then come out and support their fellow students. Fine. Most schools have a few who go above and beyond the usual call of enthusiasm (read: boozery), but your school has more than their fare share. By which I mean, all of them. And it’s one thing to support your own team, but to relentlessly abuse your opponents and the officials? Do you not have enough faith in your team to win on their own, you have to go pounding your drums every time we hit the ball? You have to yell things I can’t even repeat on my blog, they’re too rude? You should! Your men's and women's teams are both really, really good. Let them win on their own, without making total fools of yourselves. Although, I can’t begin to express the deep psychological pleasure I got from having a guy ask me which school I was from so I could say UCFV so he could say where? So I could say oh, we’re the team that beat you guys out last weekend and took your number-one spot in the league. Yes? Remember us now? Eat it.
And another thing I hate about your gym – it’s too damn hot! Open a wall or something! Every other gym keeps their temperature at a healthy -30° so that the players are comfortable and the fans can all sit huddling in their winter jacket. That’s how we like it. All I brought was sweaters! Who are you to change the heating rules?
And another thing, why is one of your ball-boys nine years old? I’m not even joking, he could not have broken double digits. This is the provincial championships, not some mickey mouse operation. If your event staff can’t drink, they should at least be old enough to drive.
Oh yeah, and your gym is too damn far from the parking lot. What the hell? Why should I have to walk for ten minutes in the pouring rain (alright, it was a beautiful sunny day and I rather enjoyed the walk, but last year when you hosted Nationals [again, what the hell?] it poured rain and I got soaked and had to sit in your hot, dark, stinking hole of a gym with damp jeans).
Oh, and your concession stand sucks. Why would you pop your popcorn and then just let it sit there, getting cold and greasy? Why not leave it in the popper until someone wants some, and then fill a bag and butter it? And also, I’m not paying $4 for a bowl of your crap chili.
Oh, and in the half-dozen games that I watched, play had to be stopped eight times because your score-keepers couldn't get their shit together. And if your announcer can't pronounce a simple name like 'Togeretz' then he should be fired.
In short, everything about you sucks. You are the bottom-feeder of university-colleges. I hope your mom at least thinks you’re cool.
PS: I have spent the entire weekend drenched in college sports. My language will clean itself up directly.