Ok so we were told there'd be crepes at Johnny Rockets, and ALL WE WANTED WAS SOMEONE TO MAKE CREPES-TO-ORDER IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK. There were, needless to say, no crepes. Our lives are so hard.
But we were in Jamaica and excursing as a family and so we trooped off to our van, and proceeded to sit in the hot sun for twenty minutes while we waited for two more - who ended up being Joel and me, since we had neglected to offer the girl our tickets when we got on the bus. Sometimes counting is hard.
SPEAKING of counting being hard, the Thing That Tells You What You're Getting Into was all, It's a 20-minute bus ride to the river, but as the van took off, our guide LaTanya was all, This ride will be an hour and two-thirds. And then attempted to entertain us with a lecture on Jamaica's annual rainfall and national flower. We may or may not have been conversating in the back of the bus because NO ONE'S annual rainfall is worth knowing, which prompted our other guide Antoinette to scold, ACTUALLY she is talking, ok?
Jamaican fruit would like you to shut up and listen
Despite this inauspicious beginning, despite a brief but torrential downpour, and despite the Real Housewife in the front row complaining about the smell of her life-jacket and refusing to sign a waver because she wanted to have the option to sue, tubing down a river in Jamaica is as lazy and joyous as you want it to be.
dramatization, but just barely
The staff kept us from bashing into rocks or drifting into the reeds, and SERENADED US with American pop songs, being rather casual with the lyrics. We ambled past wacky trees (I would totally know what kind if I'd been paying attention to LaTanya) and people gutting fish. It was the very best.
From there we went to Dunns River Falls, and in my head this was going to be a hike up to some falls and then a few minutes of Ooohing and plashing and then a hike down, and I was hot and sleepy and not up to trudging. But it was less that and more this:
I mean, minus the monks but plus maybe a thousand people and about half that volume of water. They must scrape the rocks down daily to keep them from accruing slime, because they were sturdy and pleasant to walk on and nobody died.
Since Simon the ace waiter had warned us that, if we wanted a night off from the fancy dining hall, this was the night to take it because the menu wasn't very good, we ate at the Wingaling trough. I went back for deep-fried bananas with caramel sauce more times than I feel is necessary to share with you.
But it was about this many:
We found the front of the boat so we could play Jack and Rose and watched a lightning storm and Matt and Gillian came upon a couple having sexual relations in a hot tub in the solarium, and we swore off of solarium hot tubs forever. The end.