Sunday, October 04, 2009

Selective mutism

Ok, right, so the reason I haven't yet blogged about this whole not-being-able-to-talk business is A.) because I have a lazy ass, and B.) because it has actually been the most difficult part of this whole shim-sham.  Interacting with other people is such a large part of who I perceive myself to be that being reduced to a whisper has not been compatible with me having an awesome time.

So.  I woke up from the surgery with my voice in shreds and that was crappy but we thought it was just a normal side-effect of all the KNIVES that had been so recently whirling around my throat.  But many days went by (10.  Exactly 10) without it getting any better at all, and I cannot convey to you the extent of the frustration.  I couldn't thank the bus driver and I couldn't order a coffee and I couldn't speak in class and I had to SHOUT to talk to the person next to me and it was exhausting.  Plus, there were many instances where I'd be talking to someone and they'd be nodding away and I'd KNOW they couldn't hear me, but were just being polite.

And then I went to a wedding and did a fair amount of shouting and drank a great deal of Fireball whisky and woke up the next morning substantially improved, in the old voice-department.  It was a Fireball miracle.

But then 10 MORE days went by with no significant improvement, so now I could be heard across the room but only if the room was small and quiet, and if the person across the room was expecting me to speak, PLUS we had a chit-chat with the doctor about what ye olde nerve-paralysis means.  Turns out that the same nerves that help you talk also help you breathe, and that if I go in for Surgery-the-Dos and t'other nerve goes down too, I will end up with a trachotomy, and that is just about at the bottom of my List Of Things To Do In Life, right above Lose Arm To Shark Attack.

Anyhoodle, now I am stressing out because not only is this seriously chapping my ass, but it is freaking me out about a surgery that I was not previously freaked out about.  But nerves do not heal quickly if they heal at all, so I'm marshalling everyone I know who prays about stuff and getting them to pray about this, because the rest I can handle but I cannot re-grow my own nerve.

So Wednesday I come home after a particularly vigorous episode of Top Model and I'm talking to Joel and all of a sudden my normal voice switches on like a light and I stop sounding like Gary Busey.  Thank God.  And I mean literally, and if we were still doing the whole animal-sacrifice thing I'd be rustling up unblemished cattle like they were going out of style.

And Thursday morning it's gone again but by Thursday evening it's back, and now it cuts in and out like a bad tv set and if I clear my throat really hard sometimes I can knock it back into shape.  I sound like I'm going through puberty and I never have any idea when I open my mouth what's going to come out, and this results in me being INAPPROPRIATELY LOUD sometimes but I don't even care because this is such a relief, this is such a load off my mind, and I've never been more grateful.

Now we all need to pray that someone else cancels their surgery so that I can sneak in there like a bandit.


Stephanie said...

Man, this is just too much. I'm totally routing for you and hope that the voice comes back loud & clear!

SuziQoregon said...

Aw jeez Raych! Will be sending all the positive thoughts I can muster in your direction!!

Auntjune said...

Ack Ack Ack! I am going to go around telling people that I prayed so hard you got your voice back, and I will tell them where I was (ahem) and what time (8:03) it was when I did it. And then people will pay me money to pray for them whilst....well... and it will be AWESOME!
(My word verification word is fourrege, which I am going to start using as though it was (were?) a real word, and try and make other people feel stupid. Of course, I suppose it COULD be a real word, and so I would look like a moron. I could check, but I am too lazy even to google. Alas.)

Anonymous said...

Thanksgiving will come at just the perfect time. Voice getting better deserves the most generous of Thank yous don't you think? I'm so Thank FULL for this news!

Luv, Mum

ramblin'andie said...

Hallelujah! So glad to hear your voice is back, even if only some of the time! You're right, Rachel with no voice would just not be Rachel. Praying for you to get in for that second surgery and that this time your nerves behave themselves!

Jane said...

ReCut. That's my word verfication word.
It's a sign!
Soooooo thankful that yer voice be back.

trish said...

Oh, I hope your voice comes back for reals. And not for the PSYCH! that it seems to be doing now.

leahandmichael said...

raych! i miss your voice too! mostly because i am so far away, but must be so frustrating... and if its any consolation, i can *totally* imagine and hear your voice from the way you write. its nice reading your blog to hear your voice.