Saturday, August 26, 2006

now what?

i almost didn't come home from thailand. now you all know.

i'm having trouble re-adjusting. i can and do spend close to an hour, from shower to last touch of make-up, getting myself ready to go out, though i don't know why. i still love to shop (granted, it'll take time before i'm willing to spend $15 on a shirt again). i'd rather sleep in than get up, and i have a hard time reading my Bible on any regular and meaningful basis. how, then, have i changed, and why is it so hard to be here, now?

i ran into a girl today who i haven't seen since we were almost roommates back in october. at seventeen, nat had spent a year in africa, and she says it took her four months to return to 'normal.' sam dyck, mobilization coordinator for mbmsi, asked me upon my return what concrete actions i would take to ensure that the changes that had been effected in me did not dissipate, so that i would not, in short, 'return to normal.' this is a difficult question to answer, since i cannot clearly discern the changes. i can't label them and categorize them and file them away, to be saved for posterity and trotted out as mementos of my trip.

i don't know how i'm different, but i know that i am. i am confused and troubled, and completely dissatisfied with my life as it stands. i know that the most fertile stretches of our journeys are the ones that we spend wrestling with God, jacob-style, but that hardly makes for a good night's sleep. i ache to become comfortable again. i pray God i won't.

1 comment:

Michael said...

It's difficult to leave a meaningful comment for your post. I know first-hand how meaningless pithy little dismissive responses can be when it comes to our own internal struggle with life and what it brings, particularly when the comment-er hasn't shared your experiences. Being a fellow struggler, I can only propose that you keep struggling, but not in isolation; and to what end I cannot say. While you may have great dissatisfaction with your life at the present, do not forget that you also have great love from a great many people! You are a dear friend, Raych.