Now, I'll admit that I am frequently gassy in public, and frequently gassy by accident, and frequently gassy out loud, but I am very rarely two of those things at the same time.
Last Tuesday, I was all three. Twice.
When I go to print things off in the computer lab, I put the cap of my flash drive into my mouth because then I can't leave the lab without the drive itself, because the cap is in my mouth, and that's something even I would notice. So, I had the cap between my front teeth and I was nibbling on it, and you know how sometimes you have to belch and so you close your mouth and do a little silent belch inside yourself, and then just sort of let the air out? Well, I was going to do that, but I forgot that I had the cap in my mouth, and so when I went to close it, there was this cap, and I burped out loud. Now, this isn't a big deal, say, at your mother's table, but in the deathly-silent lab, it's MORtifying.
Later, I was in the cafeteria, which is not so silent, but which makes up for it in factors of mortification by being FULL of people all the time. People eating, people sitting because it's too hot to sit outside, people finishing up last-minute assignments. So I'm in the cafeteria and I think I'm going to let out a little silent fart, because my farts are always silent, and so I lean a little bit to one side and *WHPAPAPAPAPAP* It was like gunfire. I'd forgotten that fruit makes your farts not-silent, whatever their natural propensities may be, and the cafeteria stocks those horrible plastic chairs, you know the ones, that cause your, um, sounds to amplify and reverberate around the room. What did you call it, Boo? A bench-slapper? H'anyways, everyone kind of looks over and I get that burning blush where you're really and truly embarassed and trying SO hard not to show it.
Today I have managed to keep my gasses to myself. I deserve a treat.